internal combustion

Here, we have her mind. Structured gel. I had to get away from circuitry. I needed something that could arrange and rearrange on a molecular level, but keep its form when required. Holding for memories. Shifting for thoughts.

This is your hardware?

Wetware.

And the, uh... software?

Well, I'm sure you can guess.

Blue Book.

Here's the weird thing about search engines. It was like striking oil in a world that hadn't invented internal combustion. Too much raw material. Nobody knew what to do with it. You see, my competitors, they were fixated on sucking it up and monetising via shopping and social media. They thought that search engines were a map of what people were thinking. But actually they were a map of how people were thinking.

Impulse.

Response.

Fluid.

Imperfect.

Patterned.

Chaotic.

Sun and Moon

Demek sen böyle salına salına bensiz gidiyorsun ey canımın canı.
Ey, dostlarının canına can katan,
Gül bahçesine böyle bensiz gitme istemem.

İstemem, ey gökkubbe, bensiz dönme
İstemem, ey ay, bensiz doğma.
İstemem, ey yeryüzü, bensiz durma
Bensiz geçme, ey zaman, istemem.

Sen benimle beraberken
Hem bu dünya güzel bana, hem o dünya güzel.
İstemem, bensiz kalma bu dünyada sen,
O dünyaya bensiz gitme, istemem.

İstemem, ey dizgin, bensiz at sürme.
İstemem, ey dil, bensiz okuma.
İstemem, ey göz, bensiz görme.
Bensiz uçup gitme, ey ruh, istemem.

Senin aydınlığındır aya ışığını veren geceleyin.
Ben bir geceyim, sen bir aysın madem,
Gökyüzünde bensiz gitme, istemem.

Gül sayesinde yanmaktan kurtulan dikene bak bir.
Sen gülsün, bense senin dikeninim madem,
Gül bahçesine bensiz gitme, istemem.

Senin gözün bende iken
Ben senin çevganın önündeyimdir.
Ne olur, öylece bak dur bana,
Bırakıp gitme beni, istemem.

O güzelle berabersen, sen ey neşe,
İstemem, sakın içme bensiz.
Hünkarın damına çıkarsan, ey bekçi,
Sakın bensiz çıkma, istemem

Bir şey yoksa bu yolda senden,
Bitik bu yola düş enlerin hali.
Ben senin izindeyim, ey izi görünmez dost,
Bensiz gitme, istemem.

Ne yazık bu yola bilmeden, rasgele girene!
Sen ey, gideceğim yolu bilen,
Sen ey yolumun ışığı, sen ey benim değneğim,
Bensiz gitme, istemem.

Onlar sadece aşk diyorlar sana,
Oysa aşk sultanı mısın sen benim.
Ey, hiç kimsenin düşüne sığmayan dost,
Bensiz gitme, istemem.

I'd rather be a sparrow than a snail

It took me years to be the woman my mother raised. It took me 4 years 7 months and 3 days do it, without her. After I lost myself in the wilderness of my grief I found my own way out of the woods.
I did not know where I was going until I got there, on the last day of my hike. Thank you, I thought over and over again, for everything the trail had taught me and everything I couldn’t yet know. How in 4 years I'd cross this very bridge and marry a man in a spot almost visible from where I was standing. How in 9 years that man and I would have a son named Carter. And a year later my daughter named after my mother, Bobby.

I know only that I didn't need to reach with my bare hands any more. That seeing the fish beneath the surface of the water was enough. It was everything.

My life — like all lives, mysterious and irrevocable and sacred. So very close, so very present, so very belonging to me. How wild it was, to let it be.

elephant in the room

all these poems about people leaving and not one
about how I convinced myself to stay.
I know what you want to hear-
that I slayed the dragon and swallowed my demons
and laughed in the face of my nightmares
and lived happily ever after-
but the truth is much more ordinary.
the truth is I breathe through the pain
even on the days it whistles between my ribs
on every inhale and every exhale
and I celebrate like hell on the days it doesn’t make a sound.