hiç biri dostumuz değil

Dünyanın son günü/İstanbul/beyaz güzel evler/ köşkler/ bütün sokaklar denize iniyor/ deniz kenarındayım/ hava güzel/ kumsal/ yaşlı bir kadınla birlikte ufka bakıyoruz/bana yalnızlıkla ilgili birşey söylüyor/hava birden kararıyor / bulutlar/Kahverengi kızıl bir at ve aynı kızıldan bıyıklı rus terbiyecisi geliyor kumsala/dalgalar büyüyor/deniz kurşuni/atın sahibi ata dalgalarla birlikte takla attırıyor/onları izliyorum/Gökyüzünden uçaklar geçmeye başlıyor/kamikazeler/giderek alçaktan uçmaya başlıyorlar/ ardlarından ışıltılı bir kül yağıyor/ korkarak yukarı koşmaya başlıyor/bir nevi savaş çıkmış/yere inerlerken robota dönüşüyorlar ve beyazlarla diğer renkliler yeryüzünde çatışmaya başlıyorlar/ beni görmemelerini umuyorum/saklanmaya kaçmaya çalışıyorum/bir beyaz robot beni görüyor/hiç biri dostumuz değil/insan suretine bürünerek (barbara streisand) peşimden gelmeye başlıyor/koşmaya başlıyorum.


olsaydı ile bulsaydı

" I need to stop being in love with the ideas of what could have been. We could have slowly inched closer and held each other a little tighter. We could have laughed a little harder and fallen in love some more. There are so many things that could have happened, but didn’t. We almost were. We almost weren’t. We almost happened. Cupid almost won. But he didn’t. And we didn’t either."


As little as you want to write when you're happy that's how much you have to write when you're miserable.

-You're really thrown by all this, aren't you?
-I, uh, yes. Uh-huh.
-I must say that in my culture, it's not judged so harshly.
-Okay, but we're not in your culture. We're in my culture and in my culture... if we didn't have things to judge harshly... we wouldn't know what to do all day.
-Well, maybe your culture needs to grow. Maybe there are other ways to look at life. Maybe there are some people you marry... and people you love.
-Arielle, you're older than I am, you're wiser I'm sure... and you've seen much more of the world. And you're beautiful, and elegant... and smart, and funny ... and interesting... and you feel like family, which is wonderful.
-Are you seriously telling me that a but is coming at the end of the sentence?
-Yes, but...being with you... would be...an affair... and to me ...not ethical. Unethical. Not good...ethically.
-I must respect your ethics if I ask you to respect mine. Should you change your mind, I will continue to be out there... smoking nook on Fridays. But if I never see you again... do know that...I will always remember you very fondly.
-Are you okay?
-I'm sad. It was the beginning.
-Of what?

The following Friday right about after lunchtime the pace of work began to slow. I knew where she was and it was all I could think about.

By the Friday after that.. Well, look, French girls just aren't good for your work habits. And it killed me... that she was lighting her own cigarette.

By the Friday after that..


internal combustion

Here, we have her mind. Structured gel. I had to get away from circuitry. I needed something that could arrange and rearrange on a molecular level, but keep its form when required. Holding for memories. Shifting for thoughts.

This is your hardware?


And the, uh... software?

Well, I'm sure you can guess.

Blue Book.

Here's the weird thing about search engines. It was like striking oil in a world that hadn't invented internal combustion. Too much raw material. Nobody knew what to do with it. You see, my competitors, they were fixated on sucking it up and monetising via shopping and social media. They thought that search engines were a map of what people were thinking. But actually they were a map of how people were thinking.








Sun and Moon

Demek sen böyle salına salına bensiz gidiyorsun ey canımın canı.
Ey, dostlarının canına can katan,
Gül bahçesine böyle bensiz gitme istemem.

İstemem, ey gökkubbe, bensiz dönme
İstemem, ey ay, bensiz doğma.
İstemem, ey yeryüzü, bensiz durma
Bensiz geçme, ey zaman, istemem.

Sen benimle beraberken
Hem bu dünya güzel bana, hem o dünya güzel.
İstemem, bensiz kalma bu dünyada sen,
O dünyaya bensiz gitme, istemem.

İstemem, ey dizgin, bensiz at sürme.
İstemem, ey dil, bensiz okuma.
İstemem, ey göz, bensiz görme.
Bensiz uçup gitme, ey ruh, istemem.

Senin aydınlığındır aya ışığını veren geceleyin.
Ben bir geceyim, sen bir aysın madem,
Gökyüzünde bensiz gitme, istemem.

Gül sayesinde yanmaktan kurtulan dikene bak bir.
Sen gülsün, bense senin dikeninim madem,
Gül bahçesine bensiz gitme, istemem.

Senin gözün bende iken
Ben senin çevganın önündeyimdir.
Ne olur, öylece bak dur bana,
Bırakıp gitme beni, istemem.

O güzelle berabersen, sen ey neşe,
İstemem, sakın içme bensiz.
Hünkarın damına çıkarsan, ey bekçi,
Sakın bensiz çıkma, istemem

Bir şey yoksa bu yolda senden,
Bitik bu yola düş enlerin hali.
Ben senin izindeyim, ey izi görünmez dost,
Bensiz gitme, istemem.

Ne yazık bu yola bilmeden, rasgele girene!
Sen ey, gideceğim yolu bilen,
Sen ey yolumun ışığı, sen ey benim değneğim,
Bensiz gitme, istemem.

Onlar sadece aşk diyorlar sana,
Oysa aşk sultanı mısın sen benim.
Ey, hiç kimsenin düşüne sığmayan dost,
Bensiz gitme, istemem.


I'd rather be a sparrow than a snail

It took me years to be the woman my mother raised. It took me 4 years 7 months and 3 days do it, without her. After I lost myself in the wilderness of my grief I found my own way out of the woods.
I did not know where I was going until I got there, on the last day of my hike. Thank you, I thought over and over again, for everything the trail had taught me and everything I couldn’t yet know. How in 4 years I'd cross this very bridge and marry a man in a spot almost visible from where I was standing. How in 9 years that man and I would have a son named Carter. And a year later my daughter named after my mother, Bobby.

I know only that I didn't need to reach with my bare hands any more. That seeing the fish beneath the surface of the water was enough. It was everything.

My life — like all lives, mysterious and irrevocable and sacred. So very close, so very present, so very belonging to me. How wild it was, to let it be.

elephant in the room

all these poems about people leaving and not one
about how I convinced myself to stay.
I know what you want to hear-
that I slayed the dragon and swallowed my demons
and laughed in the face of my nightmares
and lived happily ever after-
but the truth is much more ordinary.
the truth is I breathe through the pain
even on the days it whistles between my ribs
on every inhale and every exhale
and I celebrate like hell on the days it doesn’t make a sound.